Excuse the typos.
Your inbox is already full- let’s keep this short
and to the point.
We care a lot about people, their ideas and their experiences- sometimes we just run out of time to share it all.
Our newsletters will hopefully give you more
from the women we have met and some other interesting things we have picked up
along the way.
Let’s be clear, we have no formula for our newsletters…we really just want to be helpful and dare we say maybe impactful once and while. Worst case, you feel less alone. Every newsletter will be different so buckle up.
Hey, It’s Sarah and I’m leaning into my insecurity as an over-sharer…
When I first met Jennifer Grey, she was in New York gearing up for a press tour. We met at her hotel and I knew immediately I was going to like her. We talked so fast to each other, almost like we had been old friends from a past life catching up on all the things that we needed to share or had missed. She was kind, really smart and quick-witted… all things I love about women. Also, she gave a great hug when I left, which is so telling about a person after you connect with them.
When Christina and I started to formulate our business plan for I’m not dead and map out all the stories and people we wanted to talk to, we immediately thought of Jennifer. We both read her memoir and connected with her words. Although I felt an immediate connection to Jennifer, we hadn't really been friends for that long: it felt personally impossible for me, one who never asks for help, to ask my new friend to spend 45 minutes of her time talking to us AND record it. We were two unknown people with just our ideas and some words on a paper to share. I paced for 20 minutes until I was brave enough to send her a text with our I’m not dead manifesto and our ask, insisting that she could ignore me if I overstepped or if she hated the idea. Not only did she say yes, as evident in our first episode, she said she recognized herself in our words and asked how she could help. That is Jennifer in a nutshell. She is fiercely loyal, loving, a girl's girl and sincerely wants to be helpful.
After our recording session, we were in awe of Jennifer’s vulnerability, her candor and her willingness to offer any help she could. We were struck by so many relatable and powerful moments. In particular, one where she talked about the poison of being perfect. “It’s a sick thread that if [perfection] is part of your goal in any area, you are doomed to fail. You can’t… it actually is corrosive.”
The definition of perfect is to be without faults and defects.The definition of imperfect is to be incomplete. We are smart enough these days to truly understand the saying perfect is the enemy of good. We have books, social media posts,Ted talks, movies and all kinds of media reminding us that the mindset we need to embrace is one that is anti-perfect. Yet, we have many conflicting parts of our own lives that subliminally tell us we need to be more perfect. It can be an exhausting yo-yo.
For me, striving for the idea of perfection is code for things I don’t like about myself. When I feel imperfect, it is like the awful things I feel about myself are going to take over and may be true; it is a vicious and dangerous hamster wheel. I know in my core that is B.S., but yet I continue on the journey to find perfection (even if I am not using that exact word). Perfection-seeking hides deep inside me and comes out when I am self-deprecating: I put myself down with others in an effort to beat them to the punch. If I can share my imperfections first with you, it will hurt less when you do it… I think I am trying to disarm them, but actually I am trying to disarm me.
One of the never ending ways I have always sought perfection is in my appearance. I think it’s safe to say that nearly everyone struggles at some time with who is looking back at them in the mirror, not a new concept I know. For me it’s an ongoing struggle. I got into playing with clothes and “styling” myself in middle school as a way to hide my insecurities about my appearance. Little did my young mind know dressing differently would bring me more attention. I have wanted my skin, hair and body to be more like what I saw to be “perfect” when I eventually worked as a stylist in the fashion industry. I didn’t necessarily want to be those models, but I didn’t want to feel imperfect next to them either. Today, I feel exhausted by having the same issues at 42 that I felt at 12.
I have thankfully come a long way from picking apart every detail of my face or thinking of ways to hide my body or permanently change my appearance. I try every day to be kind to Sarah in the mirror, and sometimes I still fail. Today, I do more forward-facing challenges that would have made me sweat with fear 10 years ago. I do them to discover kindness within myself and embrace the things that scare me most. I don’t do it to fish, I do it for Sarah.The truth is, intellectually I know that the idea of a perfect outer shell is not real, it is definitely not interesting and it isn’t enough to feed my soul and I know that the toxic voices in my head do me and in the end my children harm. So, I am doing my best to extract the position that is perfection, I am a work in progress. (I mean, shit, I want this newsletter to be perfect!)
Why am I sharing all of this? Who cares, right? I share because it is therapy for ME and hopefully my sharing helps you feel less alone and changes the power we give things. And if we share and create a safe space for others to share their stories, then maybe you will too. And that’s why we are here doing this I’m not dead thing.
Am I cured of seeking for the never satisfying drug that is perfectionism? Almost, sort of. But I do see more clearly what Jennifer was reminding me of and maybe something we should talk about more.
Hey, it’s Christina and I am a semi recovering perfectionist…
The mic turned on and I got to see the woman who ran through my screen 100s (and I mean 100s) of times dancing with Johnny at the Kellerman resort. I wanted to be baby, I mean didn’t most of us? I wanted to be on a tree log dancing with Patrick Swayze.
Naturally when we started speaking to Jennifer Grey I thought we would be talking about Dirty Dancing, her book (buy now, she is an incredible writer) and her wildly, unordinary life. We did, a bit, but what I wasn’t expecting was to walk away thinking about my unconscious pull to be a perfect parent.
I know better.
Those words don’t exist yet I have a bull-like pull to it.
It's almost a quiet internal command that unknowingly dictates so many of my moves.
So many choices, as if that “one” will finally give me the gold star that I made it.
For me, the mothering gold medal chase began seconds after I delivered. Was I breastfeeding? Did I get the safest car seat, are we co sleeping? The judgments run amok, you’re exhausted and can’t see straight and despite having a new life to keep alive you are depleted and already feel like you're failing. That makes for a very long 18 years (and let me tell you it doesn’t suddenly stop at 18, that’s a lie).
The perfectionism curse makes its way through school choices and sports, homework and friendship challenges and each situation brings more opportunity to get it wrong. And I did. A lot. But I got right, too. Which is all they really need is a loving mother, not a perfect one.
Just because I know perfectionism doesn’t exist doesn’t mean I always know what to do with it.
When Jennifer said perfect is the most poisonous it ran through me like a train.
I suddenly felt like even though I know that to be true am I still drinking my own poison?
It creeps in. And robs me of being present, robs me of feeling happy. I try super hard to keep it at bay.
And when it does come in some of these things help us and maybe they’ll help you, too:
Our own minds. We’ve learned to expect mistakes and invite them in. We swear we’re not blowing smoke, we mean it. We know they are coming so instead of being surprised we handle them with more grace and understand the situation is temporary. And that allows us to move on quicker each time.
We practice loving ourselves just as is. This is a hard one for both of us. It’s exhausting not liking yourself and we’re tired of that. So we try and repeat some good energy in the morning to just ourselves, “I am good enough”. Slap it on a post it, your forehead whatever it takes. Your body believes everything you say, it’s science I swear, and this book made us rethink not just what we tell our bodies but what it’s trying to tell us: Your body believes you.
And when we need to get out of our heads we pull up our fav Mel Robbins, “Stop trying to be perfect”, when she realizes she forgets her kid at school. And we feel seen as she shares, “The world doesn’t need another perfect person, the world needs you”. Mel perfect
Limit the time you spend on something. Setting a timer for a task has saved us both. And let me tell you we are not a duo that puts our pencils down, because it can always be better, right? Ugh. So we set a timer for tasks and then we make each other be done. Timer (also a timer on your phone is free and works just as well).
Lastly, we try to make ourselves celebrate something every day. Even if that day it’s pants with a zipper. No victory is too small.
It all matters, and you’re doing great. We’re doing great.
As you get to know our guests and us we thank you for allowing us to be honest and vulnerable. Be patient with us if we tell the same stories or miss something or forget to include. We are trying our best. Thanks for being here.
Love,
Us
I’m not dead
